Disillusioned by Followers of Christ

The Lord Almighty is my only true and faithful source.

Anyone disillusioned by ministries, churches, or followers of Christ? I have been this week.  I am disappointed and want to quit.  I am disappointed and do not even know who I can “trust.”

I have no other choice….I will cling only to Jesus. I will trust only Him.  In the quietness of my home this morning, I will once again determine that I will cling only to the Maker of heaven and earth.  I will sit here and listen to Robin Mark’s song….  “We Bow Down”

I cannot cling to any ministry. Not tres dias. Not my church. Not the WRC pregnancy center. Not a denomination. Not BSF.  Neither can I cling to any person.   NO ONE!  Not anyone or anything that I love on this earth.


I ask of you, Lord, to please show me how to cling to my heavenly Father.  What does this mean?  What does this look like?  I feel a deep longing to be united with another.  I want to align myself with a ministry, with people that are followers of Christ.  But there is no one that is faithful.  There is only one that is completely true.  You are faithful.  You alone can be completely trusted without any reservation. Lord, You give me pictures of who You are in different people.  But I cannot cling to them.  I want to.  Really  bad.  To cling to the invisible seems too much to ask of me. I beg of you to please enable my faith to rise up.  I must believe.  I must hold hands with the invisible. I will hold hands with You, my one and only true and faithful source.  You put this desire in my heart.  I will trust that You will fulfill it. Keep praying for me Jesus.  Keep praying that I will be one with You and the Father. Keep praying that I will see that You are completely faithful.  You are all I need.  Keep praying that any obstacle to this will be destroyed.  Keep praying that my faith will rise up.  Keep praying that any sin that is still gripping me will be destroyed.   Keep praying that my heart will be open and accessible completely to Your grace.  To Your leading.    Only when I completely lose myself will I find myself.  I desperately need help losing myself.   Please show me the way.  I come to You with hands wide open, gripping nothing.  Amen.   

Satisfaction

October 26, 2011

Satisfaction

The depth of my  unsatisfied heart is so very deep.  To whom or to what will I run? Being busy?  Food?  Friends?  Ministry?  So huge this hunger, this insatiable hunger so it seems.  This hunger drives us all.  It drives me.  Pride keeps people from admitting this.  Pride has kept me from admitting this.  What are we hungry for?  What are we thirsty for?  What am I hungry for?  What am I thirsty for?   I will finally admit to it now.  I am hungry.  I am thirsty.  I am hungry for someone to make sense of this world.  I am hungry to be completely applauded, celebrated, and accepted for who I am.  I am hungry to be completely understood in my thoughts and emotions.  I am hungry to be completely united with another.  I desperately am hungry for someone or something to fill in the deep lonely places of my heart.  Except it is a place so deep that no other human or thing can touch it.  But I keep trying.  I keep forgetting where I can find the empty spots to be filled.  

  How stupid my mind must be.

I will go now to the only "place" that I have found.  I will go to the “place” of worship.  I will open my heart, my spirit to a song.  I will let this song wash over my stupid mind. The perfect song is the Song, the melody of my heart. It is Jesus.  Only when I open myself to the Song that is living in me, do I find any satisfaction.  It is my beautiful sweet sweet Song living in me.  He washes over me. He sings over me.  Very deep in the lonely empty spots the Spirit of God unites with my spirit. He fills me up.  It is where I am satisfied.  No other place.  No other person. 

Dear Jesus, You are beautiful my sweet sweet Song.  So beautiful.  You satisfy me. 

Psalms 73:23-25  Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 

Crimson

 Originally written on September 23, 2010

Crimson....my miracle today

God is so kind.  He knows we need hope.  He knew I needed some today.  I have been plowing through a workbook by Dan Allender called  “The Wounded Heart.”  I worked on it this morning.  My response to the wounds from my past have actually produced deficits in my life.  It makes me extremely sad that these deficits have affected me most profoundly as a mother.  I really hate this.  My miracle today, though, gives me hope.  It lets me know that God is watching me and not leaving me alone to work it out by myself.

Today at the  WRC pregnancy center  I gave my women Isaiah 1:18 to memorize.  “Come, let us reason together – though your sins be as scarlet, they will be white as snow.  Though red as crimson they shall be like wool.

Later as I am sitting in bumper to bumper traffic, I scan my iphone for some music to play.  I see a band I have not seen before.  I did not download this group.  I do not know how it got on my iphone.  The band is Crimson.  I am thinking about how neat this is since we just made reference to “crimson” this morning.   I look up quickly to see if the traffic is moving yet.  The truck directly in front of me has the word “crimson” on the back of the glass of the cab. 

I am pretty amazed at this point.  I am thinking that God must be trying to get my attention.  The first song I see is “Wounded Heart.”  Of course I listen to it.  The singer is saying to God, “If You are there, hear my prayer, and don’t let me fall apart.  Say You care. You’ll be there.  You’ll be Father to my wounded heart.”

 God answers……”I am here to wipe your tears.  I won’t let you fall apart.  Because I care, I’ll be there, I’ll be Father to your wounded heart.

Some people might write all of this off as a coincidence.  I will refuse to entertain that thought.  I believe it is nothing short of God speaking directly to me and telling me exactly what the song was saying…..He will be here to wipe my tears.  He won’t let me fall apart. He cares for me and He will be a Father to my wounded heart. 

Thank You, Father.  Thank You so much.  Thank You that You care.  How awesome and magnificent, yet gentle and kind You are.  Amen.  

Crippled Warrior

Crippled Warriors

Those that seem most used by God, most influential, most loved, most humble, most admired by other Christians…..they really are crippled warriors. They are crippled yet they are a warrior.  They are a warrior yet they are crippled. They have lost their life, and then found it.   

My ugliness wants no part of being crippled.  I want to deny my own “crippledness.”  It is easier to navigate with my selfishness and pride.  I want to declare my victorious life without any scars. I want to think that surely there is another way to live the Christian life.

I am so very thankful for the crippled warriors that are lighting the way.  Thank you.  Thank you. They have received God’s mercy, and now they are giving that mercy to others.  They are giving mercy to me.

I am thankful for my own “crippledness.” Because I am crippled, I am on my knees.  Because I am crippled, I cannot trust myself.   Because I am crippled, I can have mercy on others that are crippled.  Because I am crippled I can move toward compassion and not judgment.  Because I am crippled, it opens the door for me to do all things for the love of God and for others.  Because I am crippled, I can be a warrior, too.   When I am weak, then I am strong. 

Lord, what an honor that you would allow me to move toward being a crippled warrior.  What an honor that I can show mercy to others that are crippled.  May you forever hold my hand or I will surely fall.  Amen

Better Than a Hallelujah

“The Sacrifices of God.....Better Than a Hallelujah"

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

I hate my brokenness, my warped mind.  Hate it.  It is a result of sin, the attack of sin.  The attack of the one that wants to kill, steal and destroy my life.  This is why Jesus came – to destroy sin and death and heal my brokenness. 

So, why does God honor such brokenness.  Seems almost cruel.  A broken and contrite heart?

God honors it because when I recognize that I am broken,  I recognize my helplessness.   It makes me ever so sorrowful.  My heart aches.  My heart pains.  My heart feels the weight of my warped mind. Those things that I hate, I do.  For what I want to do, I do not do. (Ro. 7:15)    It reminds me that on my own, I am wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.  (Rev. 3:17) Yes, I have a new heart, a new spirit.  Clean.  Washed.  But I daily live with my warped mind.  My broken mind.  It causes me to fall on my knees before God and acknowledge daily that I am nothing without Jesus Christ.  This is my worship.  This is my sacrifice.  I am ever so thankful  that I am righteous before God because of Jesus.

Isn’t God amazing?  The thing that I hate the most, my brokenness, my sin, is used as a tool to worship!  I will offer my broken mind before God as a sacrifice.  I will worship Him.  I will praise Him.  My Jesus.  My redeemer.  The lamb of God that was crushed for my brokenness.

When I am weak, then I am strong.

Glory Can Turn Sour

Father,

 I confess that I desire glory.  I desire to be thought of as a great woman.  I desire for others to respect my dedication to You.  I desire to be wise in the decisions I make for my family and for my ministries.  I desire for my children to adore me.  I desire my husband to think I am God’s gift to him. I desire a great reputation where I am thought of as a magnificent woman.  I desire to be beautiful.  I desire to be lovely and graceful.

You tell me, Lord, that I am all of these things……. great, wise, respectable, adored, reputable, beautiful. You tell me that you take great delight in me.

When I am holding hands with You, Lord, and all my glory is wholly and completely directed to Your glory, all is well.  Amen.  All is well. 

How easy, though, for my for glory  to be kept for me alone.  How horrible and nasty I become.  How pitiful.  How distasteful.  How selfish.  How warped my mind becomes.  When I try to keep any glory for myself, it is like a delicious glass of fresh sweet milk that turns sour.  Smells nasty.  Becomes totally useless.  It messes everything up.

Lord, please rescue me.  Rescue me today.  Do not let me stay here.  Do not let me hoard any glory for myself.  Not a drop.  You are the beautiful, sweet, sweet Song living in me. With You, I am everything.  Without You, I am nothing.  Amen.

“The Glory of God is Man Fully Alive.”  Irenaesus 

 

“ Lord, please let my life be fully alive unto you.  Fully devoted.  Fully surrendered.  Any glory I attain on earth will be given to You.”  Betty

  

My emotions....An Unreliable GPS

My emotions cannot be trusted

My emotions are like a GPS……they can only be trusted when given the proper maps.

Yesterday I was on a road trip alone.  I had my  GPS.  I have come to rely on it.  It is just part of driving for me.  Yesterday , though, it was wrong.  It wanted me to go a way I didn’t want to go.  I had already decided which way I should go.  I was going the way trusted people had told me to go.  I was going the way my map  from map quest told me to go.  But, my GPS was very loud.  Very obnoxious.  Never relenting.  Continuously recalculating.  I wanted to follow my GPS.  I wanted to submit to this voice that was so controlling. 

The GPS is like my emotions.  My emotions are such a familiar guide.   I usually follow them.  They can be such a good instrument.  They express love, joy, laughter, even pain and sorrow.  But sometimes they are wrong.  So very wrong.  Yesterday my emotions were wrong .   They were so loud.  So over powering.  I could barely hear anyone or anything over them.  I had to cling to what I knew to be true, pure, and lovely.  I had to ignore my emotions.  I had to give them no place of honor.  Laugh at them.  Mock them.  However you want to say it.  PLEASE hear this.  I DID NOT WANT TO.   I felt like I was being wiped out.  I felt like I would never recover.  I felt like there was no hope.  I felt like my life would be totally void of love if I didn’t follow these emotions.  I felt like I had no choice but to do what I wanted desperately to do.

Did I really feel these emotions?  YES.  The emotions were real.  The tears were real.  The burning heart and chest pains were real.  All the emotions were real.

Was the truth behind my emotions really true?  NO.  There was no truth. Just lies. The wrong maps. Deception in my thinking.  Warped thinking.  Ouch.  I hate, hate, hate to admit this.

 

I must learn the difference in my emotions and the truth behind my emotions. I must learn to daily, hourly, continuously place the belt of truth around me.

God, please help me.  Amen.

Hall of Faith

Hall of Faith

To study the Bible involves believing that the people and situations in the Bible are true.

Someday I want to be added to Hebrews 11…I want God to say …..

“Betty Freeman had faith.  She chose to believe that she was God’s favorite, even among all the people of the earth.  She   chose to believe that God would fill in all the missing gaps of her mind about theology.  She chose to believe that God was amazingly good and loving even though the world was suffering and impoverished.  Betty had faith.  She purposely planned her life so that she would have time to study and pray.  She made it a priority.  She chose to believe that God demonstrated His love to her by the death and sacrifice of Jesus.”

Heart Healing Provided

Heart Healing Provided

Jesus has already provided for my heart to be healed, but my mind has to believe it.  I have a choice.  To believe.

To believe that I am not just another child born.  I am not a little girl that must prove herself. Always trying to do nice things, serve her family, make everyone happy.

To believe that my worth is not found in my accomplishments, my beauty, my possessions, or other’s opinions.  To believe that I am not just another woman.  To believe that my tiny speck of life in this huge universe is a masterpiece of God. 

To believe that I am (as the Shack says) “God’s favorite.”   That is what I really want.  To be His favorite.  To believe that I am so loved.  So valued.  That I am His treasure.  To believe that no man, woman, boy, or girl has the love and attention of my Father like He has for me.  There is no competition.  He loves me deep and high, long and wide.

Jesus, please pour over me your love.  Wash my mind from all the lies and junk of this world.  It is you that I need.  Please remove the obstacles of doubt that haunt me.  Jesus, I know that you are there with all the love from the Father and you can wash my mind.  Father, you are the ultimate Father.  Perfect in all your ways.  Jesus, your death provided all the love and acceptance that I can possibly eat and drink.  My heart believes.  Please help my mind believe.  This is how I can renew my mind.  This is how you want me to see that my healing has already been provided.