My motorcycle parable

My bike is having trouble.  It needs a “kick start,” so I think, or perhaps an overhaul.

However, there is no one that really knows how to “kick start” that is near me today. 

I get agitated that all the people around me seem to have no trouble with their bike.  I get jealous that other bikes seem to be in such better shape.  I feel insecure that my bike seems inferior to theirs. 

I need the manufacturer to work on my bike.

I know this, but I keep trying to work on my own. 

This will absolutely not work.  I have tried this over and over. 

I will call the manufacturer. 

I call him, but he doesn't answer.  I text him, but he doesn't respond.  He wants me to wait.

The waiting time gets really ugly.  It is ugly because I am short-tempered.  I am sour.  I do not like to wait.  I do not fully trust that the manufacturer has my best interests in mind. I am agitated again that my bike is dirty and that it is not running right.

 

However I have to make a choice.

 

I will choose today that to wait is okay.  It is the way the manufacturer has planned.  I am okay.

I will choose to trust that the manufacturer has my best interests in mind.

I will choose to trust that the manufacturer will choose the best plan of action for my bike:  Perhaps he will just completely overhaul it and give me an automatic key to get it started.  Perhaps he will tell me to read my manual and work me through the repairs.  Perhaps he will tell me to wait a little longer.  Perhaps he will tell me to go and kick start other peoples bikes while I am waiting.  He is the one that will make the final choice.  I choose to trust the manufacturer.  It is such a paradox.  I have no choice but to trust, yet I must choose to trust.

I choose to trust!

God gave me the Grand Canyon

God gave me the Grand Canyon

I was expecting a great rush of awe and beauty of God’s wonderful creation upon my arrival of the first viewing spot of the Grand Canyon. I was hoping He would express to me His great love for me.

However, I was met with some frustrating obstacles.  There were people all around, so many people.  We arrived apparently at the main viewing point (Mather’s point) when apparently half the world was there.  As I am walking up the sidewalk trying to reach my destination I start getting really annoyed.  They were really messing up my expectation of an intimate time with God and His creation.

My thoughts were interrupted with the thought, “Does God love all of these annoying people as intimately and uniquely as He loves me?”  In the past, this thought would actually not have been comforting.  My response would be basically, yes, but I am just one of them.  Like one in a herd of cows.  Like one ant in a huge pile of ants.  Like one in the huge sea of humanity.  I am just another woman.  

However, on this day, I completely realized that a transition had happened in my heart.  It was a transition that had taken three years to happen.  My answer was, “Wow, He does love all of these people as intimately and uniquely as He loves me."    He loves me with passionate love that is completely designed for me.  He designed me in my mother’s womb.  He created me with a specific recipe.  Yet I also realized that my amazing creative Father is able to make each person designed in His image, completely unique.  Each one of these people is His masterpiece. Each one of these people is uniquely and intimately loved.   I am not in competition.  I am not lost in the crowd. I do not have to “prove” myself to anyone. Neither does anyone else.  I was no longer annoyed.  I felt a love surging in me for these people that had come to experience the grandness of nature, yet in my heart, I knew they were longing for the grandness of God’s love. 

God gave me the Grand Canyon, when He showed me that I am free to love others the way that He loves.

Only a Grand God, could have such Grand Love. Only a Grand God could have the amount of love to love so many people.

The realization of the grandness of God’s love far exceeding the beauty of the Grand Canyon. Believe me, it was beautiful.  It was absolutely magnificent.  We spent two more full days hiking and viewing every angle of it that we could.  There was enough Grand Canyon for all of us.  It actually felt at times that we were the only ones there.  The scriptures in Ephesians have even a greater meaning now…

Ephesians 3:17-21

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen

Why Does It Matter?

Last Thursday, I came to God (during a “Kairos” event at Gateway Church in Southlake) with the question, “Am I a good wife, and a good mother?”  The thought that immediately came to mind was, “Why does it matter?”  The answer seemed a little abrupt, almost rude.  We had to move on, so I pondered this only briefly.  I even wondered if that was God speaking or just my own thoughts.

 

Later that evening Ara wanted to watch a movie with me.  We scanned Netflix and decided on “Seven Days in Utopia.”  It was about a golfer and his rise to play in the Texas Open.  The movie takes you to the final scene of, “Will he make the final put to capture the championship?  However, the ending is not given.  The narrator asks, “Why does it matter?”  Ouch, the question had come back to me. 

I had to think some about my response.  The response seems easy when watching a movie about someone else’s life.  He was trying to receive his value from being a great golfer.  The movie alluded that he needed to go to God for the affirmation and value that he desperately wanted.  Not golf.  Not a championship.  Not a trophy. 

God knows the real questions of our heart, not necessarily what our words say or even what our mind thinks it is asking. 

My question, “Am I a good wife, and a good mother?” was really, “Am I valuable now? Am I more lovable now?  Am I now more worthy of the applause of heaven?”

The answer is, “NO, Why do these things matter?  Your behavior and My value and love I have for you are separate issues.  I have clothed you in my robe of righteousness.  You have been, and still are, perfectly loved and very highly valued.” (Jeremiah 31:3, Isaiah 61:10, Psalm 31:16, Psalm 107:8)

Yes, it was God that had spoken directly to my heart on Thursday morning.  He again spoke through the movie, and then He clarified even more through the devotion, “Jesus Calling.” (April 19)  He speaks in multiple ways, never contradicting His written Word.  I love that I am His sheep, I can hear His voice.  (John 10:27)  He answers the deep questions of my heart.  God’s ways are so not like ours.  His kingdom system of value, love, and rewards are so different than this earth kingdom.  I have been thinking this week about Jesus’ parable in Matthew 20 and I am amazed at the grace of God. 

Thank you Lord Jesus.  Amen. 

Mind of Steel

3/30/12

I feel fragile.  I feel like I might just fall apart.  I do not even know why I feel fragile.  The harshness of life all around me just comes down around me.  I realize that I have nothing to offer myself or anyone around me.  I cannot make sick people well.  I cannot make marriages be good.  I cannot make family members love one another.  I cannot straighten out anyone’s finances.  I can’t even fill the void that screams and aches in my own self.  My wisdom is limited.  My advice is not always the best.  I am so very fragile.  It is here when I am in this state that I can admit that I am wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked.  (Revelation 3:17) 

However, God has placed within me a spoonful of faith.  Faith that tells me this world that I touch and feel is not all there is.  God is Spirit.  God’s Spirit lives in me.  His Spirit living in me will be the hope to the woman sitting beside me,  the hope for my sick little girl, the hope for the marriages around me falling apart,  the hope to fill the void within me,  the hope that makes my fragile state dissipate,  the hope that infuses my mind, emotions and will with strength. With this strength I can face anything or anyone.

I have a mind of steel.

     

“Praise the Father, Praise the Son, Praise the Spirit Three in One.”

Such a mystery.  God in me.  I cannot comprehend this amazing God we serve.  When I am weak, then I am strong.  Amen.

Receiving the Amazing Grace of God

Receiving God’s Amazing Grace

I have been focusing on God’s children changing….on being renewed. (Romans 12:2)  If I am perfectly accepted in God’s sight, and perfectly loved, perfectly forgiven, why do I need to change? (Colosians 1:21-22) What am I trying to change?  I do not want to carry an unnecessary burden on myself.  I especially do not want to push this burden on others.  I struggle with greatly desiring to live only in truth.  What is true? What is from the amazing heart of God our Father?

Father, last Friday, you allowed me to experience “change.”  You were so sweet to remind me once again that it is my choice to believe and to receive….You asked me… “Will you believe and receive the love and acceptance that I have freely given you?  Will you embrace the identity that I have given you?  Do you believe and receive the glory that I have given you?”   I wish there was a word for this….maybe there is.  Maybe this word for all my English speaking ones is GRACE.  Grace wraps it all up. It is Love.  It is acceptance.  It is my identity.  It is my glory that you give me.  It is what I long for everyday.  It is GRACE.

When I humbly believe and receive God’s grace, it changes everything. (I Peter 5:5, Gal 5:22,23)

Yes, I am perfectly loved, perfectly forgiven, perfectly accepted in God’s sight. I am his daughter (all because of Jesus).  I do, however, still have stinky thinking, stinky actions, and I struggle with doubts of all kinds.  Whenever I humbly choose to believe and receive His grace, it all starts to change.  Here are some examples:

1.  The horrible doubts and anxiety about myself often needs to change…..

My stinky thinking involves emotions and thoughts like…..”Am I doing enough?  Am I valuable?  Perhaps I need to get a job to prove this. If I make money, this will prove my value.  I need to get on a rigid exercise program to show that I have self control.  I need to get skinny so that I will look good.  If I look bad I will be unacceptable.   Oh yea, I need to start working harder at service projects and I need to take on more responsibilities at this Christian organization.  If I do not, someone will think I am lazy.  Maybe I am lazy.” 

I need to change.  My mind needs to be renewed.  But I cannot change.  I read my Bible.  I go to church.  I memorize scriptures.  I serve others.   I try. I try really hard to think correctly.   But I cannot change.  I am miserable.  I start looking for alternatives to make me feel better.  I try doing the things my stinky thinking mind comes up with.  I start looking for others to validate my value.  I look to others for my love needs to be met.  My mind becomes a twisted mess. I need to change.

Only when I receive the grace of God does everything change. Grace sweeps down upon me when I say in my heart, with all conviction and belief, “I choose to believe you, God.  I choose to trust who you say that I am.” (Who God says we are is a great topic to explore!) It is not just a prayer. It is an all out decision of my mind, will, and emotions to believe God. The Bible is so very true.  My faith really does access the grace of God.  I believe and then I receive.

At this point it is almost impossible for me to describe what happens in my mind.  I equate it to trying to describe the ecstasy of making love.   It cannot be explained in a WORD document.  God’s grace literally washes over me.  God’s Holy Spirit gives me grace. He does a miraculous work in me. He gives me a whole new perspective.  He changes all my stinky thoughts.  I no longer feel compelled to try to prove anything to anyone.  I feel loved, valued, and accepted.  I do not have to look to others for these needs.  (These are needs that are real to every single person on this planet.)

It would be nice to say that I have only had to pray this prayer of conviction and belief once in my life.  That is not the case.  However, it does seem that the stinky power of my mind is losing control.  The power of God’s grace is getting stronger and stronger.  This I cannot explain, except for maybe this is what the Bible means when it says to “grow in grace.” (II Peter 3:18) I am living by the Spirit.  Not my own stinky mind. (Gal 5:24)  (Note: this is pertaining to God’s children, already secured eternally by His Spirit . Eph 1:13-14)

2.  The doubts and anxiety I feel about God often needs to change…..

My stinky thinking about God involves my questioning His ways.  I grapple with the pain and suffering of the world.  I grapple with His means of communication to the people He created……

Once again His grace sweeps down on me when I say in my heart, with all conviction and belief, “I choose to believe you, God.  I choose to acknowledge that you are God, and I am not.  I will trust that you are a good God.”

I receive the grace of God….my faith once again accesses his grace. Grace sweeps down and changes the thinking of my mind of who God is. I believe and receive.

3.  The attitudes of unforgiveness, bitterness, discontentment, jealousy, impatience,  pride,  and a whole other host of sinful stinky thinking needs to change. 

My stinky thinking involves all of these attitudes.  I cannot escape these attitudes from my own self-will.  Even though I am the daughter of the King,   God’s  princess, I still have these attitudes.  I am the fussy little princess. However, these attitudes seem to just dissolve when God’s grace sweeps over me. (remember , His grace is His love, His acceptance, His identity, His glory given to me, the longing of my heart) His grace fills my mind, allowing His Spirit to control me.  I can live by the Spirit and not my stinky mind.  I do not have to hide my inner self.  My inner self is love.  It is patient.  It is kind.  (Gal 5:20)

All of this said, to say…….

To receive the amazing grace of God is to choose to believe the truth of who God says that He is and who He says that I am.

When I make this choice, I humbly offer myself up to God to receive His grace. My faith accesses His grace. I believe and then I receive.

I will change when his grace is filling my mind. It enables me to live by the Spirit, instead of my stinky mind. I do not have to try to be kind.  I am kind. 

How will I do this?

(remember….I cannot change myself.  Only God does this by filling me with His grace. I have to believe and receive)

I need help with believing. I know I must choose to believe, but my stubborn stinky mind does everything it can to detour me.   I will offer myself to receive the grace of God by humbling myself before God with these “disciplines.”  These disciplines do not change me.  They provide a path for me…..

·         Meditation

·         prayer

·         fasting

·         study

·         simplicity

·         study

·         solitude

·         submission

·         service

·         confession

·         worship

·         guidance

·         celebration

I am discussing how we receive the grace of God, and how we can humbly present ourselves before God through these Christian disciplines at First Look Pregnancy Center.  I am indeed a blessed woman! 

Defragmentation

February 8, 2012

Defragmentation

Thank you, Lord, continue to bring it on……

I am transforming. Changing.  Being Renewed.  Defragmenting.  Yes!  The truth of Romans 12:2 is weaving itself into every fiber of me…..”Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”  Love it!  It is a work of God.  A work of His grace.  I am offering myself to the work of God and He is transforming, or changing me. 

I am fully aware that I am made of body, soul, and spirit.  My soul (mind, will and emotion) needs renewal.  Yes, it is happening.  God is so sweet to have verified this to me last Thursday at First Look Pregnancy Center.  I am leading a Bible study there.  Our theme is “New Year Transformations.”  Our verse to memorize last Thursday was Romans 12:2. We repeated it over and over until we all got it.  It was my birthday, so my fellow women gave me a devotion book (Jesus Calling)  The devotion for the day, February 2, was based on Romans 12:2.  We were all astounded, to say the least.

I really loved this devotion book.  When I got home, I decided I would read one more day, but only one so that I wouldn’t read all the days up.  I read January 1.  Guess what the verse for this one is…Romans 12:2!  I do believe God was trying to get my attention. 

My dear friend at the center told me a couple of days later that God had given her a word picture of Romans 12:2…..”Defragmentation”   She runs a program on her computer called “defragmentation.”  I have run it on mine as well.  So cool.  That is what happens to us in a way, our minds need to be defragmented.  Cleaned up. Changed.  Reprogrammed.  God is defragmenting my mind.  He is changing me.  Renewing me.  It is His work.  Not me.  I am offering myself to Him and He is doing it. 

When I became His child, He put a new spirit in me.  He gave me a new heart.  I will always be His daughter.  There is nothing I can do to try to earn more love from my Father.  His love for me is deep and high and long.  However, I deceive myself if I think I do not need my mind to be renewed, changed, or transformed.  My stinky thinking, actions, and lack of faith can bring Him grief.   It brings me much grief as well. 

What is my motivation to change?  When I catch glimpses of the glory and majesty of Jesus Christ, the desire to be like Him explodes in me. (I feel like I have only seen glimpses)  He is so creative, so tender, so pure, so humble yet all powerful, so loving, so just, so strong.  I honestly look forward to zipping out of my earth limitations  and experiencing the reality of I John 3:2  Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known.  But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.”

So therefore I will continue to offer myself to God to be transformed.  I will take seriously the “disciplines” that allow myself to be placed  before God as an offering.  We are studying these disciplines together at First Look Pregnancy Center. Richard Foster is walking me through these disciplines in his book, “Celebration of Discipline.”  I am very blessed.  So very blessed!

Disillusioned by Followers of Christ

The Lord Almighty is my only true and faithful source.

Anyone disillusioned by ministries, churches, or followers of Christ? I have been this week.  I am disappointed and want to quit.  I am disappointed and do not even know who I can “trust.”

I have no other choice….I will cling only to Jesus. I will trust only Him.  In the quietness of my home this morning, I will once again determine that I will cling only to the Maker of heaven and earth.  I will sit here and listen to Robin Mark’s song….  “We Bow Down”

I cannot cling to any ministry. Not tres dias. Not my church. Not the WRC pregnancy center. Not a denomination. Not BSF.  Neither can I cling to any person.   NO ONE!  Not anyone or anything that I love on this earth.


I ask of you, Lord, to please show me how to cling to my heavenly Father.  What does this mean?  What does this look like?  I feel a deep longing to be united with another.  I want to align myself with a ministry, with people that are followers of Christ.  But there is no one that is faithful.  There is only one that is completely true.  You are faithful.  You alone can be completely trusted without any reservation. Lord, You give me pictures of who You are in different people.  But I cannot cling to them.  I want to.  Really  bad.  To cling to the invisible seems too much to ask of me. I beg of you to please enable my faith to rise up.  I must believe.  I must hold hands with the invisible. I will hold hands with You, my one and only true and faithful source.  You put this desire in my heart.  I will trust that You will fulfill it. Keep praying for me Jesus.  Keep praying that I will be one with You and the Father. Keep praying that I will see that You are completely faithful.  You are all I need.  Keep praying that any obstacle to this will be destroyed.  Keep praying that my faith will rise up.  Keep praying that any sin that is still gripping me will be destroyed.   Keep praying that my heart will be open and accessible completely to Your grace.  To Your leading.    Only when I completely lose myself will I find myself.  I desperately need help losing myself.   Please show me the way.  I come to You with hands wide open, gripping nothing.  Amen.